Loving Life Blog

Spur of the Moment Reflections

Strong + Independent = Intimidating ? October 15, 2010


OK – I realize that I have a few loose ends hanging now from previous posts, stay tuned – I will follow up on those too. If I could, I would write full time, given the amount of content processing in my head… So to the subject of today:

At the last two events I have been to, I have heard the similar message coming out of the blue – and yesterday I got curious to hear what other people would say, so I posted the following on twitter and facebook:

Guy friend stated that guys are intimidated by gals who are strong and independent. Would you agree?

8 tweets and 14 comments later – this is what I got:

Yes:                                  3 (2 twitter/1 facebook)

No:                                   1 (1 twitter)

Only weak guys:           4 (1 twitter/3 facebook)

Depends:                        1 (facebook)

The answer “depends” stated something worth thinking about for many “strong and independent” gals:

It depends what you are strong against and who you are independent from. Relationships are about a kind of complementarity and sometimes you need to help the other see where you would like him to fit in your life. But for that, you need to make room first 🙂

Now, my comment to that is: room might actually be made – but it also needs to be communicated in a way so that it is understood and felt prioritized.

I can give you a clear example from my very first relationship back in the days. I was then, probably like now ;O, involved in a dozen of different things – there was school, dance, the competitive choir, the student association project 1, the student association project 2…, my family, grandma, the personal development course, friends, and ALL other time was free available and unscheduled for me and my boyfriend. In my mind. He didn’t quite see that.

Hopefully I have learnt my lesson, but the fact that someone who barely knows me now points out just that, makes me wonder. OR it is just a very common phenomenon.

To go back to the original question – I do believe that some guys may be intimidated by perceived strong and independent gals. Also looks. And in those cases I think a big mistake is done. I know that we have all strong and weak sides. What if we perfectly complement each other!? What if we all cherish, love and appreciate our – and others – strong sides, while being aware and allow for exploring, strengthening, playing with the weak…

I don’t know about you all – but I am starting to get tired to play small in many situations. And the more I speak to people, listen to people, coach people, and see the gems that are there inside… gotta bring it out guys and gals. Focus on the good stuff. In all occasions.  Each and one of us have a gift. Complementing someone else.

So Eva – you asked the question what I think. That’s it.

I’d like to share this song with you all. Read or sing it also as a message from and to yourselves. It’s called “Love me”, music written by Benny Andersson from ABBA – the next version below has the English subtitles – I just couldn’t resist this one. For a few reasons… till the end.

Here is the song with English subtitles.

And… this is the last input I got on facebook – thanks Lior – let’s join the song! 🙂 What is there to be afraid of anyway?

Peace out ;),

J

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3 Responses to “Strong + Independent = Intimidating ?”

  1. Lior Says:

    hi J.

    i liked reading it, few weeks ago i had a very interesting conversation with a strong,independent, charming and beautiful Gal in SF.
    if my memory is right this issue was raised in the conversation and i think the conclusion was that those who are intimidate by these gals shouldn’t be with them and the sooner you kick them is the better,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,But , there is a but!! if you know your effect on people (like the beautiful woman syndrome – men are afraid to approach them) make sure to show all your sides to those who you want to show to. open the door and those who can handle it will stay.

    • I appreciate your comment Lior, and I am thinking – I don’t think an intimidated guy has even come that far as being together with her?

      Let me ask you this: if you would put on the hat as a dad, coach and co-active leader, what would your advice be to the guys?

  2. Regis Says:

    Great post Johanna and interesting comment Lior.
    There are several important and co-dependent concepts we discussed and I think at some point they got mixed up resulting in less clarity.

    First and foremost what do we mean by strong and independent? Strong as in able to handle emotional adversity? Strong as in able to take critic? Or maybe Strong as in not needing a man to venture in Bangkok’s backstreets alone?

    Before I offer a definition let’s notice here that in our attempt to define Strong we also gain a better sense of what Independent might mean. You are typically Independent in those areas where you are Strong.
    By extension we understand that most may become dependent of others in those areas where they are weak.

    Relationships, in my opinion, are based on co-dependencies. Such a co-dependency could be expressed as such:
    “I am pretty but am not comfortable in social situations, I will be pretty at your side if you handle the small talk and showcase the strengths I am to shy to expose”

    Co-dependencies can be relatively balanced or on the contrary completely un-balanced. The first example I provided is relatively innocuous but let’s examine this one:
    “I have grown up without a father figure in my childhood and need validation and support in order to progress. Play that role for me and I’ll disregard everything else I need in a partner”

    The phrasing might be tweaked but we all know someone who fit the picture. Such a co-dependency is in my opinion armful for both parties at it only dissimulate problems that eventually will need to be addressed in order for both parties to be truly fulfilled and happy.

    Finally, Lior raises the question of “Approachability” and by extension who your behavior attracts. It has, in my opinion, nothing to do with Strength, There are many men and women out there who hide their true personality and needs behind polished and impenetrable social facades. Sensitive guys looking like playboys who end up attracting materialistic girls that will make fool out of them. Gorgeous educated girls dating average guys because of a low self esteem.

    This comment is growing into a dissertation, there is so much to cover but I would love further discussing this topic around a nice coffee 🙂


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